Jerking Off Is the New Infidelity
Is your secret habit causing your marriage to slip through your fingers?
-By Em & Lo
-Photograph by Massimo Gammacurta
Colin and Mia had been together two years when they hit their first dry spell. "We hadn't had sex in a few weeks, and one night before bed she asked me how I was dealing with it," says Colin (not his real name), a 38-year-old vice president at a Web start-up in Boston. "I told her I was masturbating," he says. "She asked me where and how." So Colin took a deep breath and told her: at the office, once a week or so, to Internet porn.
Mia (not her real name) freaked out. "She was fuming mad," Colin says. "She couldn't handle me leaving her out—it made her feel insecure." Mia adds, "Just imagining him there in his office on his own, it seemed like the ultimate act of desperation, something you'd only do if you didn't have a partner."
Mia was shocked that Colin was rubbing one out when he should have been crunching numbers, but she wouldn't have been if she'd looked at the stats: Most guys in long-term relationships continue to masturbate—even when they're having regular sex. A 1994 study found that nearly 85 percent of men living with a sexual partner masturbate, compared with only 45 percent of women.
And while the cliché is that it's the sex-starved husband who is driven to furtively spending some "me" time in the bathroom, research shows that most men's masturbation habits have nothing to do with how often they have sex.
Even so, when your wife finds out she'll hear a singular message: Our sex life isn't up to scratch. "Many women assume that if they catch their partner masturbating, it means they aren't doing their part to keep him happy. 'Why would he want to jerk off if I am right here?'" says Searah Deysach, owner of the Chicago sex shop Early to Bed.
What may bother your partner most of all, though, is just whom you're keeping virtual company with—an ex-girlfriend, the new girl in the office, Natalie Portman in Closer—while the bathroom door is locked. Which is why most women settle on a don't-ask-don't-tell policy regarding their partners' masturbatory fantasies.
Tony (not his real name), a 35-year-old small-business owner in Chicago, doesn't discuss with his wife what he fantasizes about. "If it's not about her, then it doesn't seem very helpful to anyone to bring that up," he says. "'Hey, honey, I jerked off while thinking about a hot woman I saw yesterday.'"
While some guys store everyday images and encounters to fuel their imaginations, many go straight for the porn. In a 2005 study, 25 percent of all men (and only 4 percent of women) reported having visited a pornographic website in the previous 30 days. Some women find this kind of fantasy easier to handle—you're not likely to bump into adult-movie stars at the office, after all. But others hate the idea of their partners' lusting after other women, even if it's just virtually.
"Women are way more threatened by things we think you're hiding from us than [things you're not]," says Jamye Waxman, author of Getting Off: A Woman's Guide to Masturbation.
However, as anyone in a relationship knows, honesty can be taken too far. "There's a difference between privacy and total secrecy," says Brian Zamboni, a Minneapolis sex therapist. "You can say 'Yes, masturbation is part of our respective sexualities, but let's agree not to go into all the details.'"
For many men, spilling the beans would ruin the fantasy anyway. "I think keeping it to myself is part of the appeal," says Scout (not his real name), a 49-year-old photographer based in New York. For some guys, secretly masturbating is cheating—safely, harmlessly, monogamously. And for those struggling with thoughts of infidelity, the reality that they can't share with their partner is that a little jerking off keeps their marriage on the straight and narrow.
For other couples, though, masturbation levels the sexual playing field. "My wife's desire fluctuates over the course of the month," says Charlie, 29, a chef in the Hudson Valley in upstate New York. "Sometimes all she can think about is being sexy. So when she's insatiable she can [take care of me], and when I'm more interested than she is I can take care of myself."
Colin and Mia resolved the mini-crisis prompted by Colin's jerking off at work by adding masturbation to their bedroom menu, and they've now been together for seven years and married for three. Colin assured Mia that his preference was to be with her and that masturbation was just an act of release when she wasn't around. "Then I showed her that this was something we could do together," Colin says.
Their sex life has improved, and the added benefit is that Mia no longer has to worry about why he's staying late at work.
Have you been caught in the act? Share your story in the comments section below.
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I personally don't think it's a big deal if guys masturbate, even if it's to porn. So what? Everybody does it once in a while, even if they are in a comitted relationship and have a fabulous sex life. It's not infidelity. How can pleasuring yourself be considered cheating? Personally I don't think I have ever felt insecure about a boyfriend jerking off. It's not like I can go to work and give him a BJ in the bathroom or anything and sometimes the urge arises at bad times. I get worried when I hear about all these women upset about porn or their guys knocking one out. Maybe they should take it as a sign to try to do a little more. Or mabye watch some porn with him? You might like it too. Quit being so uptight!!!
iamthesara
Sep 6, 2008 5:22:43 AM
The first months of marriage is sex every day and therefore not jacking off. but the next 20+ years I have jacked off almost every day and we have a good sex life.
when she says no, I lay back and jack off right beside her in bed. Much of the time she changes her mind and joins me.
johnc55
Sep 8, 2008 9:04:34 AM
If a woman really wants to stop her boyfriend/husband from playing with himself, she can always lock him into a chastity belt to redirect his attention back on to her. ;-)
http://www.cb-2000.com/ is a good start.
cpsting
Sep 8, 2008 9:09:02 AM
thats funny... my partner jacks of in front of me when im not up to it... personally i think its everybody's own choice.how can it be infedility... how are you going to separate your man with the 'other one'? cut him in half?
joannavankovic
Sep 8, 2008 9:39:40 PM
I'm pretty sure I masturbate way more often than my boyfriend does. Everyone needs their secret fantasies, right??
annabananabread
Sep 8, 2008 11:31:13 PM
Sometimes masturbating is a very nice thing to do for your partner. She's up with a newborn all day and all night, finally getting some sleep. You look down at her heavy breasts and think "ooh, Momma." And then you remember "she needs her sleep." Go into the lav and take care of business. It's a GIFT!
MiniMeTime
Sep 9, 2008 2:02:03 PM
What? How pathetic can a woman be if she doesn't want to have sex and is insecure about her partner masturbating? I can only suspect its some weird power struggle they're going through and she's using sex as a weapon.
mules
Sep 10, 2008 11:01:36 AM
I don't mind if he masterbates as long as it does not interfere with what I want and need. If it makes him less interested in sex with me then it would be a problem. Also, men who are submissive are more submissive when they have not had release for a while; the submissiveness subsides with orgasm so it can be harmful to the relationship if his desire to please her is kept low because of his frequent masterbating.
MistressJeanine
Sep 10, 2008 11:08:06 PM
On dating sites I hear sorry schmucks tell me about ex-wives and sex lives which consisted of dead fish untouchable women their mates to get it off on their own. So tell me again, why does anyone need a mate for this torment -- especially when there's no nuptials involved -- you men can just say hasta la vista baby?
carrisima
Sep 11, 2008 12:10:37 AM
As a doctor, I tell my male patients to masturbate on a regular basis. Daily if possible. Why, because the prostate is a muscle/organ that needs to be used. Men can get enlarged prostates, prostate cancer and other problems. Use it or lose it I tell them. I have talked to many wives who were upset at first, but, after my explanation, they understand.
It also help the man get an erection faster and makes him last longer as he ages. TRY IT, YOU"LL LIKE IT>
DrJATX
Sep 11, 2008 1:04:43 PM
So what? I masturbate every day, and I'm married. It keeps me alive and interested, especially when my wife isn't interested, which is most of the time. Nothing wrong or unfaithful about it.
Steve01
Sep 11, 2008 10:26:47 PM
This is all so silly, women do them selves all the time, but that's ok?
The main reason not to do it too much is more for yourself and not draining your energy. If a women is so insecure she can not handle it, son you've met the wrong girl for sure!
Any women who does not understand that her guy WILL think about other women in a sexual way, jerk-off, and sometimes even when having sex with her have other fantasies is simply out of touch with the male species.
Zeesh!
cwelber
Sep 15, 2008 7:22:16 PM
Sure everyone jerks off and that's cool. What's not cool is having more virtual sex and than real sex. What happened to intimacy? Laziness is the new intimacy. In the bedroom, "people" are now "tired" or "have a head ache," a.k.a. already busted one today or will tomorrow a.k.a. lazy. It's a total romance killer when that starts to happen.
lady_anon
Sep 29, 2008 11:35:32 AM
Women just need to get used to the idea that men are visual creatures, and that we have a deep seated biological need to ejaculate at least every three days. Since most women are primarily interested on a cyclical basis, they need to understand that if they aren't putting out, it's the next best solution short of infidelity. Stop the princess complex that the world revolves around you. If you weren't there your husband would find someone else to do it with. If you shut him down, you're lucky if he only masturbates.
http://alphadominance.com
alphadominance
Nov 18, 2008 12:46:13 PM